Hello, there lovely readers, been thinking of you as we continue grappling with our new way of being. If you’re in need of a little light entertainment, let me share the blood, sweat and beers that went into prepping my cosy little abode for sale. Yep, we’re on the market; new apartment currently being built, a stint on the coast with the silver fox in the interim – poor lamb, I suspect he’s taken out insurance to cover his psychiatry bills – but I digress, an exciting little sea-change during these crazy times.

As those of you who’ve been down the same path will attest, it’s a whole barrel of laughs turning your home into micky-spiff gleam for photography yet welcoming for the open house punters, isn’t it? Well, I did the homework, I’ll do anything to increase the chances of a decent offer, and if you’re yet to wander into similar territory, here’s what I learnt:

Minimal clutter? Too easy!

‘Clean lines, large open spaces and minimal clutter will make for great images, ok?’ advised the photographer and videographer. ‘Too easy, I don’t do clutter’ said I. Ha! Turns out a kitchen short on storage requires exceptionally creative ways to hide a toaster, kettle, fridge magnets and knife blocks. So too, a raft of cosmetics and a dingy full of shower toiletries, body scrubs and associated tools as well as scales, rubbish bins and bathmats. And let’s not forget family photos, magazines, books, ornaments, smart device cables, shoes, sporting equipment, keys, unruly open wardrobes, office paperwork, monitors and electrical cords. I could have kissed them in clear disrespect for social distancing when they said they never photograph a laundry!

One kitchen appliance? You’re joking!

Following the oracle that is Google, narrowing my home down to just one kitchen appliance, a couple of ornaments, a coffee table book, and a candle was no mean feat. Not to mention the urgent run to the nearest Adairs for fresh matching towels and Woolies for roses and a bunch of green apples for the kitchen bowl in a one-hour candidate cancellation time slot. Positively olympian! Inspired me to join Steptember – geez!

A lightbulb moment…

The one where Google said that when preparing your home for photography, every single lamp and overhead light in the place should be turned on and all lightbulbs the same colour. Wot! My bedroom lamps have a soft pink hue, the lounge a warm white thanks to ever so clever ‘smart’ bulbs; the kitchen and bathrooms all halogen. Shite! After an intimate engagement with Woolie’s lightbulb section, I said ‘feck it’, photographers can sort it. See? Lightbulb moment.

Where’s the toaster darl?

‘The toaster? It’s in the laundry basket hon.’ ‘No don’t use those towels, they’re for display.’ ‘Hey! Use the half-empty loo roll, not the new one on the holder ok?’ ‘STOP! Don’t walk on the carpet, you’ll leave footprints!’ I screamed as the silver fox turned helpless circles on a small patch of non carpeted floor on open house morning, desperate for food. Cushions chopped into random rabbit ears and blooms fluffed just like a seasoned stylist, fingerprints eradicated like a pro-criminal, I called to the now happily fed man ‘What do you think mate, that should do it huh?’

Cupboard peeking punters

The cluey man, drawing on a brief stint in real-estate back in the ’80s replied ‘Hon, you do realise that the punters will peek in the laundry and every single cupboard, cos’ that’s what punters do. What do you plan on doing with all the crap you’ve shoved in there?’ ‘They won’t look in my cane laundry basket in the wardrobe will they now’ I retorted. Who’d have thought I could repurpose that cane laundry basket so effectively? Took some dexterity to Tetris pack the toaster, electric jug, bathroom scales, soggy towels, toiletries, bathmats, bins, and loo cleaners into that basket. A great deal longer to get ’em out too. Three times for three open houses.

Speaking of toast…

Did I bake the bread, grind the coffee beans, or spritz the house with vanilla as the guides tell us? Heck no! Since COVID lockdown you may have been Instagramming your perfectly home-baked bread loaves, but faffing with dough and beans is just not my schtick. Instead, a few bunches of non-smelling roses, one subtlely fragranced candle and a bunch of green apples so as not to insult the olfactories of sensitive punters, done, the pub beckons!

Hear me, real-estate gods…

Well, the marathon results led to a sprint to the finish line, and on auction day we sold. I’m sad for it’s the close of a 12-year chapter, I’m bitter-sweet for I’m sure I could have sold for more but it’s an aging building with ridiculous Body Corp fees and a crazily temperamental solo lift, and I’m happy as the sliver fox will be joining me in the next exciting chapter.  Now to packing up and renting while I wait for my beautiful new apartment to be finished – stay tuned! Meanwhile, will be off the air for a few weeks. Stay safe lovely friends.